To begin with, let me say that the idea that cancer is a gift is mystifying to me. Before the stupid little c entered my life, I interviewed women who said exactly that, and that cancer is the best thing that ever happened to them, and that even if they could change it, they wouldn't. I remember feeling a bit jealous of them that they had such moving and transcendent experiences.
Not a gift.
The problem with all this gift talk is that people who've never been in the chemo chair swoon at it, like I did during those interviews. Then when the uninitiated come across a person who screams that cancer sucks, they can't help but wonder, what's wrong with HER?
Thus, the infuriating idea is born that a person who doesn't believe cancer is a gift is doing cancer wrong.
However, (and you knew it was coming) as much as I don't understand the gift mindset, I am committed to walking my talk here.
What talk is that, you ask?
The talk that says that only when we make space for people to tell their own truths will the world ever change.
Who am I to say that a person can't see cancer as a gift? And if I look down upon people who say that, which I have been known to do, aren't I guilty of imposing the same sort of tyranny that pushed my buttons in the first place?
Wouldn't I in essence be saying, What's Wrong With HER?
This middle road is a tricky place indeed. Lots of pot holes and such. For me at least, taking a hard-line stance is much easier.
But just like everything else in this messy world, entrenching yourself in your very own sense of righteousness doesn't move us forward into the light. In fact, I argue, it does the opposite.
11 comments:
I absolutely hear what you are saying here Katie, but I have to wonder about the "Cancer is a Gift" mindset. Do these people get angry? Or do they admit publicly to being angry? Because I worry that if we're not getting angry about cancer, then how can we, as a society, properly advocate for its eradication?
I think that's a most excellent concern, Rachel. I'd love to hear from someone in the "gift" camp. You're right though, if it's a gift, why would we want it eradicated?
Katie
Katie,
Like you, I believe all are entitled to their own way of "doing cancer." If they see it as a gift, fine. Just don't expect me to. I cannot.
Also, great comment here from CCC about anger. Sometimes anger is good and even needed. Perhaps we aren't angry enough about cancer yet???
When I saw the title to your post, my response was this:
"Cancer is a ___mother$*^@er____"
I agree with you, Katie, that we should be able to engage in civil discourse about all things, and I also agree with you that women (and men) who think bc is "a gift" are entitled to that. What makes me crazy is when the metaphor is forced on me, as if I'm not taking full advantage of the "opportunity" before me. While getting chemo I was the Debbie Downer who pushed back against cancer-as-gift (as well as a variety of other commonplaces--I'm sure they thought that sassy young girl in the corner was certainly going to hell). This line of responding to someone with cancer is shame-inducing for sure. And I think it's gendered as well. Do we harp on men to look at testicular cancer as a gift? Or, more generally, do we look at other diseases as gifts? I can't imagine someone saying something like, "it's too bad smallpox and polio have vaccines because they are such 'gifts.'"
Thanks for another great post!!
Getting in touch with and speaking our own truths (whatever they may be) is, I believe, the key, the revelation, the gift, whatever you want to call it.
The more voices expressed, the better! The more opinions expressed, the better! People the world over need to know that they are not alone in their struggle with The Big C, no matter where in that struggle they reside. On any given day, I know that I will find someone, somewhere, who is feeling exactly what I am feeling. And oh, how healing that is! That's why I love all the blogs, all the bloggers, and all our various and sundry opinions!
Keep on discovering, writing and speaking *your* truth. (Not mine. Not theirs. YOURS.) After all, if it's the truth that sets us free, who couldn't use a little freedom on the cancer trail? Sign me up for some of that freedom! ;-)
I tend to think that people who say that cancer is a gift happen to be just using the wrong noun. They may mean that life is a gift. Or a second chance at life is a gift. Or effective treatment is certainly a gift. Family, friends, doctors, pets, the list goes on about the gifts we may have never noticed before our cancer experience. Every breath we take is a gift if you think about it.
But cancer? I don't think so.
Dianne Duffy
Anyone who says cancer is a gift, is just plain lucky they came out on survivor end of it. I sat with the most important person in my life when the brain tumor diagnosis was delivered, and I now sit devastated still, as I have watched my best friend lose that battle. As the journey ebbed and flowed, not at one point ever, did either one of us feel like we were given a gift. The real gift to those who call cancer a gift, is not the gift of cancer, but the gift of life....and the gift of luck. Don't confuse it.
Cancer is a _____________bitch.
Katie, this is an excellent posting and very well-balanced. I agree with you that cancer is not a gift, but I do respect those people who feel it was for them. I understand they are coming from a different perspective, and you raise a good point about judging them.
For me, cancer has stolen so much. Cancer is no gift. And yes, that BCSM chat was lively, wasn't it!!??
I think Dianne Duffy says it well. I wouldn't classify my cancer as a "gift". It did, however, change my life for better... I believe. Mine is a bit of a long story involving my mother who tried to hold me back and then disowned me after my cancer diagnosis. She hasn't spoken to me in about 2 years. Long story short, the cancer pushed me to move forward in my life and to actually "get a life" of my own. I had wasted 20 years of doing basically NOTHING. Work, eat, sleep. And allowing my mother to call the shots for me in my life. I look back and realize that had I not been given this diagnosis, I would still be in the rutt that I had been for most of my life. I guess I have a little bit of a different view of it all. Adding to it was the fact that within a matter of a day or two of my diagnosis, was when the Air France jetliner disappeared, killing all aboard. I'm terrified of flying. That tragic event opened my eyes and as a result had me looking differently at my cancer. I was still here and alive. I didn't know what was ahead of me, but I still had a chance at life. Those poor souls on board that ill-fated flight did not have the chance that I was given.
Now I must end this and say goodnight before the Ambien kicks in deep and I write a bunch of repetitive useless garble.
I don't see cancer as a gift either...., but one does look at life differently after this diagnosis. I don't feel guilty about taking care of myself now. LIttle things, like sleeping in or just reading al day. I'm not working and I don't care to work (anymore) and no one can make me feel bad about it. I am still sad about the friends who couldn't be my friends after the diagnosis. The widespread presence of cancer has made it easier to say "I have BC" and then talk about it. I am thankful for that and that only.
thanks
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