Face the Ninja

I can't really explain why I am so incredibly nervous, but I really felt this same way six months ago.  It's time for my checkup with my surgeon.

People call her the Cancer Ninja and everyone familiar with my story knows that she was my "third opinion" two years ago.  I was misdiagnosed with the first opinion and was given a scorched earth recommendation with my second opinion.  A good friend of mine pointed me in the direction of a group of surgeons who specialize in breast cancer and the next day I was weeping in the ninjas office.  All she did was look at my original mammogram and told me what was what.  She had to do some surgery to prove it, but she was correct.

I am not the only person with that sort of story about her.  She knows her stuff.  The one criticism that most people have of her is that she's not the warm and fuzzy type.  It's true and I will say that first day I would have liked someone to pat me on the head and tell me it was going to be okay.  But she didn't know that and really, I want the best doctor I can find, not a bff.

But I do believe that she thinks I am, at best, emotionally unstable.  She has operated on me twice under general anesthesia and both times I have started bawling as I was waking up.  That makes me three for three, as I did the same thing when I had my wisdom teeth out twenty years ago.

In fact, she just might be on to something.

Seriously, I guess she's used to tears in her profession.  A friend of mine just saw her for a biopsy and said she was so nervous that she couldn't stop talking and asking questions.  At one point she even asked our Ninja if her hands were steady today.  Even when I see her now, she asks me brief questions and I just babble.  Extreme stress does strange things to us, I suppose.

Oh, and here's a little gem you can't live without.  Despite the utter lack of evidence, I decided to stop wearing antiperspirant after my diagnosis.  There is aluminum in it and that's always made me a little nervous.  I couldn't wear it during radiation and I found out that it really wasn't bad at all.  I am increasingly convinced that it's another marketing myth.  However, I do sometimes get a little stinky, so when I work out, I wear natural deodorant that is aluminum-free.  It works fine.  Really.  But in the winter I don't wear it all the time.  I forgot the day I went to see her and, well, I was nervous.

Must I paint you a picture?

When I saw her in February, she said that if I am all clear at the next appointment, I can have the port removed.  That next appointment is today.  I am just about a month shy of having that port in place for two years.  It feels like a another milestone.

It also feels like judgment day.  I have no reason to be afraid.  I have no lumps, no bumps, no bone pain, unusual headaches, double vision, etc.

It's just that she's a NINJA, you know?

I also don't know if she's just rip the sucker out (the port, that is) or if I'll have to schedule and outpatient procedure.  It seems like they all do it differently.  At least that's what Dr Google tells me.

So today at around 3 pm EST, be thinking of me.  The anxiety dreams have been coming fast and furious!