Here's a story I never thought I'd tell you.

Our suburban conservative Catholic parish does a parish mission during Lent every year.  I read about ours a few weeks ago and it described a Franciscan priest who teaches meditation.

Huh?

I was cautiously optimistic and interested in learning more.  I read about him online; he has a retreat center that teaches meditation to everyone.  Its website calls it something like an interfaith life center.

He was going to preach at our weekend Mass this weekend, then put on four evening seminars.  I was excited.

As you can imagine, there was nowhere to go from there but down.  While I continued to be amazed by the new-agish language coming from this man wearing the traditional Franciscan robe, the basis of his argument turned me off.  His premise was that there is a right path for all of us.  If we can align ourselves with God's will, we can have all of the fullness of life that God wants us to have: health, happiness, etc.

So far so good, I think.

If, however, we do not align ourselves, we will find ourselves unhappy and with illness.

Whaaa???

As you can imagine, I got a little tweaked.  The presumption of that statement was that if I got, say, breast cancer, it was my fault for not living in right alignment.

I was willing to accept that I may be overly-sensitive to this argument and that maybe in a brief sermon he didn't have a chance to fully explain himself.  I didn't go to his first session, but Grace and I went last night.

Again, there were parts that were astounding.  He started out by saying that meditation has traditionally come through organized religion, but that the different religions had different words to say in order to be "right."  The sacred is infinite, he said, and language is finite.  The finite can only describe a portion of the infinite.

I was re-hooked.

He also talked about dreams and visions being marginalized by the Catholic Church into the occult, but that the Bible is filled with people being guided by them.

Goooo onnnn....

He pulled in Jesus saying that the kingdom of heaven is within as a way of proving his point that we all carry the divine inside of us.

He actually talked about our AURAS.

Never, ever did I think I would hear a PRIEST in a CHURCH talk about AURAS.  (as a friend later said to me, geez, what's next, chakras at the fish fry).

Then, there's always a then isn't there?  Then he went too far for me.  He talked about a program in Texas that can cure terminal cancer by changing the subconscious.  He threw out an 85% cure rate and invoked the name of the controversial Bernie Siegel who says happy people don't get sick.

Ok, let me qualify something here.  I have no problem with Siegel's assertions that attitude can affect the outcome.  I believe that I tolerated my 18 months so well because of my own mindset.  I even believe that my life was richer because I was able to avoid the black cloud of self-pity (for the most part).

However, when you make the big leap from quality to quantity I get lost.  There is no evidence that his programs CURE cancer.  In fact, he co-authored a study that showed no difference in longevity between people who participated in his program or didn't.

Fortunately, I'm not much of a hook, line and sinker gal, although I'm starting to think that I just haven't been offered the right bait at the right time yet.  But what bothers me most about this is the opposite of what he said.

If you AREN'T cured, it's either ignorance or a failure of will.  I think that speaks to the age-old American problem of believing we are fully in control of our own destinies.

But dang it, I heard a priest talk about auras in church.  Could the world really be changing?  Goodness knows the Catholics will be bringing up the rear when it comes to the shift.

Exhausted

Short one today.

I went to the trial and was lucky enough to get a seat in the crowded undersized courtroom.  I was seated behind the defense and stared a serial killer in the eye until he looked away.  Then I kept staring.  I understand now that he's a human, but I don't have any further insight.

Esme's mother Lisa was amazingly brave and poised.  She broke down a few times, but she did what she had to do.  She's a wonderful mother and I imagine she faced this latest in a long parade of horrors to live up to her obligation of mother.

I know this is unbearable for Esme's family, but I have to think that having this testimony completed is a huge hurdle.

I have to say that I am surprised by the aggressiveness of the media.  I did what I could to get in between their sneaky iphone cameras and Lisa.  So if you see footage of a polka dotted trench coat, you know that's me.

I'm exhausted.  Really exhausted.  Going to go exercise, then maybe a meditation class.  I'm writing down what I saw today, then I'm going to try to let it go.

I'm sitting here a bit jittery about the day I'm facing tomorrow.  Not that this is about me, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.

A year ago today, Esme Kenney was murdered by Anthony Kirkland.  I guess I should add allegedly because he's on trial for it right now, but he did actually confess last year.  This young woman I never knew has been on my mind for the whole year and certainly her parents have.  I have a peripheral connection to the family: Esme and her mother have taken classes at the school where I work.  Esme's mother Lisa went through the same leadership program in 2008 that I did in 2009.  I met Lisa at a gathering of our leadership community last summer and we have chatted a few times online.

I just want to be clear that I have minimal physical connection to this family.  But they have had a huge affect on me and on our world.  Since Esme was murdered, they have worked toward real change in the community.

As a brief background, Kirkland murdered his girlfriend in the mid 1980s.  He was in jail for the crime but for some reason beyond me, he was released in 2003.

His parole ended in 2004; in 2005 he was tried for rape and acquitted.  In 2007 he threatened to kill his 18 month old child in a SWAT standoff.  In 2008 he was convicted of importuning after soliciting sex from his girlfriend's 13 year old daughter.  At that time he was placed on the sex offenders list.

In October, he was released, put on parole and lived in a halfway house in Over the Rhine.  In late February of 2009, he assaulted another resident and was kicked out of the house.  Since it was over the weekend, his parole officer was not notified and Kirkland was not arrested because the other resident refused to press charges.  Kirkland broke his parole by not registering a new address and two warrants were issued for his arrest.  

The rest of the story you know.  They didn't find him and a week later Esme was murdered.

After he was in custody for her murder, police were able to charge him with three unsolved murders - two adult women and another teen.

Esme's parents, Tom and Lisa Siders Kenney have done what I would have thought was impossible.  They have asked for Esme to be remembered with love, not with cries for vengeance.  They have worked to change laws to make sure this can never happen again.  They have worked with the police department to put a new alert system into place.  They have built a school in Malaysia.  That's not even all.  You can read more here.

Despite their immeasurable courage, I suspect that the start of the trial and the anniversary of her death have rattled them.  I read Joe Deters' opening statement last week and the details were horrifying.  It seems as if Kirkland recounted some specific details about her murder and Deters brought them into the trial.

Then yesterday Lisa posted on Facebook that she is going to testify on Monday and gave times and directions to the courtroom.  I started wondering if she was looking for people to come to the trial.  In post after post people were sending love but couldn't make the trial.  Finally a mutual friend said she could go and I contacted her.  She believed that Lisa needs support, so she and I are going to the trial tomorrow.

I hope when we get there the courtroom is so packed with people who love and support the family that Lisa cannot help but be overwhelmed by goodness.  She will sit on that stand and face the man who took away her precious daughter, her only child.  I think the right thing to do is to sit behind him and show Lisa that it's ok to rest in the strength of others.

I have to admit though, that I worry about being strong enough to handle it.  I have come to understand that I am an emotional sponge, excellent at sucking up people's emotions but not so good at releasing them.

I also have to say that this is really the first time that my anti-death penalty conviction has met a serious challenge in my brain.  I still believe that state-sanctioned murder is wrong, but I can't think of a single reason this guy should be allowed to live.  And feeling like I do, I can tell you for sure that it's all about revenge, because there is no such thing as justice here.

So please say an extra prayer for the family tonight and tomorrow.  And really forever.  They are remarkable people, but even the outstanding ones need any support we can offer.  

Poem with history

Years ago, I was heading to Target for a little Christmas shopping.  It was early, still dark, and as usual I was listening to NPR.  An essayist wrote about how this poem changed his life in high school, he became obsessed with the words and meter.  I had forgotten my own interest in writing because of some occasionally harsh college criticism and the feeling that I just wasn't smart enough for iambic pentameter.  But this poem actually made me laugh so loudly that it planted a seed in my head.  Writing at its best (in my opinion) is accessible and relevant.  The wheels of the universe were in motion and within a few months, I had signed up for my first Saturday Workshop at Women Writing for (a) Change. 




Love Song: I and Thou

BY ALAN DUGAN

Nothing is plumb, level, or square:
the studs are bowed, the joists
are shaky by nature, no piece fits
any other piece without a gap
or pinch, and bent nails
dance all over the surfacing
like maggots. By Christ
I am no carpenter. I built
the roof for myself, the walls
for myself, the floors
for myself, and got
hung up in it myself. I
danced with a purple thumb
at this house-warming, drunk
with my prime whiskey: rage.
Oh I spat rage’s nails
into the frame-up of my work:
it held. It settled plumb,
level, solid, square and true
for that great moment. Then
it screamed and went on through,
skewing as wrong the other way.
God damned it. This is hell,
but I planned it, I sawed it,
I nailed it, and I
will live in it until it kills me.
I can nail my left palm
to the left-hand crosspiece but
I can’t do everything myself.
I need a hand to nail the right,
a help, a love, a you, a wife.

Book information

When One Door Closes: Reflections from Women on Life's Turning Points has been released by Sugati Publications.  

The title is pretty self-explanatory, but there is a mix of writing about all kinds of moments of crisis is people's lives.  This is a bit of shameless self-promotion because I have a piece in there called "Resurfacing."  It deals with a specific moment in my breast cancer treatment process, specifically about taking the first shower after my mastectomy.

Hopefully I will be joining Terri Spahr Nelson on parts of the publicity tour, but we don't have concrete plans yet.

If you enjoy reading about women's journeys, specifically about how women face crises in their lives, this may be a book for you.

By the way, you might want to check out the first quote on the back cover.  Toot toot!

Environmental Links

Here is an interesting local collaboration between the University of Cincinnati's Department of Environmental Health and The Pink Ribbon Girls.  It addresses fact, myths and choices as they related to breast cancer risk.


I am planning to attend THIS event that discusses research into upstream environmental links to breast cancer.  I think it's great that this kind of research is going on in our city.     

Red or Pink for Esme

I'm sure you all have noticed this >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

This week, Anthony Kirkland's trial is getting underway.  One year ago this coming Sunday, Kirkland (allegedly) murdered 13 year old Esme Kenney.  Please keep her family, and the families of all his victims, in your thoughts over the next couple of weeks, as these times are sure to be hard on them.  Her parents are not planning to attend most of the trial, but her mother will testify.

Most importantly, read this statement from her parents about all of the good that has been done in Esme's name. I've said it before and I will continue to say that her parents are truly exceptional humans.